To sleep, to dream...

After the dietician gave me the suggestion to have a sleep study test, and I did...it came back positive for sleep apnea.  It is classified as mild, and would occur no matter what position I was sleeping in, tho low it still needed treatment.  I average 9 stops in one hour, that is 9 times I stopped breathing.  My snoring was thru the roof as well, which I knew was bad already.  I never knew that morning headaches were a symptom of apnea, and I've been having them so often, it became routine.  I was also exhausted, and it seemed like I needed to "catch up" on the weekends.  I no longer had energy to keep up with the housework, pulling together a meal for supper was torture...all I wanted was to go to bed early.  Forget trying to focus on healthy choices, I kept reaching for snacks for energy, and coffee.  I'd do okay until 4pm, then I was done. 

I also had my blood work done., my iron was very low.  Iron plays a vital role in energy as well.  I went back on iron supplements and I got a cpap machine.

The first mask I was trying was a full nose cover, it was not comfortable for me at all.  I didn't bother with the full nose and mouth.  I then tried a nose pillow style, it was better, but still hurt my nose and face, surprising it was the one that won all sorts of awards, but it wasn't for me.  Then after 5 weeks we saw that I was staying within a range of pressure, and they suggested a fixed pressure machine., a cost savings of $500.  I also tried a new nasal pillow style., this one is gel filled.  The difference was exactly what I had hoped for, something comfortable, and having the fixed pressure I was now able to reset it to 4...and after 30 min it was go up to 8...allowing me to fall asleep easier than before.  It's made a big difference.

Now that I have been using the cpap, I no longer have morning headaches.  My day is fuller and longer, I am not hitting that wall anymore.  I do want more sleep, some nights are better than others, but I do have kids, and a cat that still wake me up.  I even went a couple nights without it, because the improvement felt so subtle, I didn't think it was doing much.  And boy what a difference., it does work. 

Dear Diary....

 

Sure feels like I am a teenager again, writing in my diary…but having nothing to say. It’s so hard to put things into writing but it is one of the required steps to my goals for gastric sleeve surgery. I need to journal. It is a vital tool in weight loss success, and maybe along the way I will learn a little something about myself. I have requested a few times to my family doctor, that I be given a referral for weight loss surgery, and each time I ask, he says no. He truly feels it is a last resort, and tho I am far too heavy, I am not incapable of doing it on my own, hard work and perseverance. Well that was a couple years ago, and my weight has not changed. I have tried many programs over the past 14 years, to get my self back to the weight I was happiest at. I think I joined Weight Watchers 3 times, possibly 4., it is a great program, and taught me so much about portion sizes, and how to make better choices. I learned that journaling food can be great, but only if you don’t lie to yourself. I found that I was cheating and making excuses for what I wanted, or could fix later. I’d eat 6 Oreos, but journal that I had 2. I applaud those that have tremendous success on it, and on any program. Do what works for you. I tried Jenny Craig , but the cost became too high. I also tried a few others such as Atkins, Herbal Life, Slim Fast, HCG drops, and even the drug that was supposed block fat, can't recall the name of that one. 

 

Is it best to be on a low fat, low carb, gluten free, vegetarian or vegan, paleo or not...it's all very confusing to wade thru the differing opinions.  Most recently I had tried the DietBet community, it was a great motivator, no diet plan you do what you want.  Here is where you bet $$, and put it into a betting pot, you then have 4 weeks to lose 4% , or 6 months to lose 10%, of your body weight, those that are successful get their money back, those who are not, lose their money to a collective pot, which is then split between the game and the winners. I never made it into the winners circle, I came close every time, but came down to it, not something easy to attain for me…despite how hard I worked at it. In each attempt I did lose weight, and then I’d gained it back.  One thing I found that all the diets had in common, all felt depriving, and had side effects I couldn’t deal with. I attended a dietician work shop a few years ago, and it was too simple., it couldn’t be that easy. However life is not simple, having  4 kids and they are picky eaters, it is always a challenge of what to buy and prepare.

Since diet was not coming easy to me, I changed the focus to exercise. I have had multiple gym memberships over the years. I have a large selection of dvds, and small equip pieces to work out at home. I joined a couple different boot camp classes, and the classes were hard, but the trainers were excellent. I gained a lot of support with their help. I felt stronger, and at the end I was able to do all the moves…like a plank. The beginning of the class I could not lift my own body weight, and by the end of the 6 weeks, I held it strong for 2 min. I unfortunately did not keep going, cost being a big factor. If you can afford a trainer, they are a really great tool and worth every penny. I joined Curves for a year, now this was a wonderful group of ladies, I met the same regulars every morning. The downside when you are trying to lose weight, and then get engaged in conversation your level of effort also drops. I don’t think I had to many days there that I broke a sweat, however I looked forward to going, and did my 30 min and still felt good, but very little weight loss. 

 

Then we decided to fill our basement with our own personal gym. I had every piece of equipment, and it looked great. In time we wanted to drywall, paint, and hang motivational posters, a place to rival any commercial gym. It would be something the whole family could use. I had more fun designing, then I did going into a basement where I’d be walking on the treadmill and here come across the floor, a spider. That was it, then I’d be distracted, watching for any other sneaky hiders lurking in the dark corners to attack me…I came to realize I don’t like basements. A few days ago I finally sold the last piece of our beautiful gym. I again have a gym membership to Spa Lady. I am enjoying it a lot more…no spiders.

Now comes the frank talk with myself, what else can I do? Why can’t I get my crap together and do this? Some deep thoughts here, and honesty…I can’t do it alone. I don’t like the term failure, because I was successful at everything I tried, but it wasn’t sustainable. Taking classes again, with the dietician, and their team of other experts…I have learned a lot of this stuff before, but all knowledge is good, even if it only serves as a reminder of what to do. They taught me, that if I can’t see myself living this diet for the rest of my life, then it’s not the right one for me. All those diets in the past were wrong because they deprived me of one thing or another, and as soon as you take it away, you become obsessive about wanting it back…and then you can’t stand it any longer and binge…losing all control, and then it’s over…and you go back to eating normally and the weight returns plus a few extra. A vicious cycle indeed for me. I guess I am a slow learner because I needed to test this theory out with every diet that came along. I even tried the tricks, smaller plate, eat with the opposite hand, glass of water before every meal…and so on…they do help but after awhile I lost all joy in my meals. 

 

Then came some bad news a year ago, I had high blood pressure. I had just turned 41, and was put on medication. Now 42, I have sleep apnea, which I may have had for years, but only recently did I go for a sleep study test. I was always exhausted, morning headaches, and just generally felt like a walking dead person. I also had very low iron, largely due to my heavy cycles…but I wasn’t taking iron supplements as often as I should have. So back on iron pills daily and now need to use a cpap machine. I am slowly feeling more alert, and getting more done in my day and no more headaches. I had blood work done, and so far I do not have type 2 diabetes but I do feel like it is coming…it runs strong in my family. I again requested a referral to see a surgeon…my weight has not changed in the past couple years despite losing and gaining the same 10-15 pounds a few times over the year. This time, my Dr filled it out, and I finally feel like my life is going to be the life I wanted to live. I don’t have an image of what I expect to achieve, or hope for, but I do have an idea of what it will feel like., and that excites me.

Which brings me back to the blog, this is my journal, and will be mostly my diary of things I do, learn and experience as I go towards the possibility of gastric sleeve surgery.  All my life it has felt like I’ve been slipping on banana peels, I just get up from one fall only to step on another and down I go again. Maybe it is time to stop, take control and admit that doing the same thing over and over is what it is, insane. I understand that surgery is not for everyone, and the ones who take charge and do it without, I am in awe, you should be proud, truly.  I have come to realize that I need structure without ways to bend the rules. I hope that the rigid rules of this surgery, what to eat, how little, and the negative reactions if I don’t follow it, will be exactly what I need. 

 

There might be a point where I do have to face the issues of my childhood, my teens and early adult life, and the current disappointments I am facing today, but right now I am not ready to share that in this forum.  The things that hurt, that I tend to push aside, as I don't consider my weight issue to be tied to my emotional side, I will leave those situations alone for now.  I do believe apart of this process is speaking with a psychologist, so I may write about the outcome of that at a later time. 

 

I hope that by this time next year, I will be well on my way., and I can’t wait to meet the new me.